by Mistress Sarah

Summary: Matthew Gideon realizes that his emotional healing is far from complete.
Disclaimer: These are not my characters. They are owned, copyrighted and created by far wiser people than me. I have attempted to bring them back to life for a short time, attempting to ease that gaping hole in my heart where B5/Crusade once was.
Note: John Matheson; Matthew Gideon. NC-17. m/m. Angst.
Archiving: SW and WWOMB archive
Rating: R

John Matheson needed to learn some manners.


Or else, he needed to explain me, swiftly and succinctly, how despite being so slight, that he easily took up three-quarters of the bed.Since his was the standard EF issued double bed, it was a cramp fit for two people. A tight fit, especially since when one person was sprawled out, sleeping soundly, and unknowingly pushing his partner toward the edge of the bed.

I wasn’t sleeping tonight, as I was guarding his sleep from whatever foul creatures lurk in the night.OK, I wasn’treally doing that, instead, I was just formulating my next plan of attack on the young, exhausted man next to me, who was snoring slightly.John was so cute when he was asleep, I thought whimsically. He looked young enough to require identification to buy a drink.

Maybe I should have suggested we use my bed for this, as it was a king-sized bed?One of the few perks of being captain was a king-sized bed. Somebody thought that it would make it easier for a Captain to get some sleep or nocturnal exercises, I’m not sure which. For a moment, I was tempted to do the same thing that I had done to my old tomcat that had insisted on sleeping with me as a child. When the furball had physically taken up more of the bed than he should have realistically taken, I had simply dumped him out of the bed. While the cat had howled and screamed like the damned, I had laughed uproariously.

No.I really shouldn't do that to John.He had a rather exhausting night, I was proud to say, and he really needed his sleep.John had been my rock of Gibraltar during this entire mess, so I really owed him. But, come on, John, I was over ten years older than you were, don’t you think I could have a few more inches of the bed for me? I really tried to be polite, but it just didn’t work.

“John. More over. I’m going to fall out of the bed, and go boom! Or maybe, I’ll go SPLAT! And that will be hard to explain, won’t it? What your naked CO is doing splat on your floor? Think of the reports, John! Come on, can’t you roll over?• I whispered that at him, hoping that he’d move slightly.

He moved!


A whole two lousy stinky inches.


Thankfully, he didn't snore too badly, so I was more amused than annoyed right now, but that was until he turned over in his sleep.He managed to avoid hitting me squarely on my nose by mere inches, so I decided it was time to get even with my lover.

Ah.That certainly had a nice ring to it, considering how long it had taken me to get to this point of actually doing more than sleep in John's bed.Let’s see, extensive counseling, multiple surgeries… Enough of that, there were some things that I had rehashed over and over again, until even I was tired of talking about them. John was lying face down, and I decided it was time to do another commando raid.

Poor John, he hadn't really gotten much sleep, as I had stayed awake the entire night, hoping not to fall off the bed… and waiting for another chance to pounce on my lover.I straddled him carefully, and began slowly rubbing my body against his. Gently, and slowly, I began kissing his spine, trying to makes sure his current dreams were taking a turn for the erotic.

He was drifting into a lighter sleep, as Matheson suddenly sighed while I kissed his back.John was sensitive around the neck, so then I concentrated on teasing the younger man by nibbling on his neck.John moved his neck so I could continue with what I was doing, and I began nipping his neck gently. I hope he didn’t need a physical until those marks healed, as it would be rather embarrassing to explain to Sarah that the love bites were from me. Perhaps, she’d be too classy to mention them, no.. second thought, she’d probably smirk through out the next staff meeting.

"Wow." John spoke softly. "Again?"

"Absolutely.You're not too sore are you?"I was now kissing him behind his ears, while the man underneath me was shivering in delight.

"A little achy, but nothing that uncomfortable." He spoke that softly, as though John was uncertain of my reaction to that bit of news.John was rather inexperienced, so I had tried very hard to be gentle with him on our `first time.'It wasn't our first night together, but I had wanted it to be special for him, especially after all the hell we had been through the past year and a half.Call me a romantic, if you will, but I had wanted this night to be perfect, so I could lay my demons to rest.

"Then we can't do that again for a bit.I wish you hadn't convinced me so thoroughly..." Continuing to kiss his neck, I found my hands were slowly sliding down his back and I gently scratched his spine with my fingernail. John wiggled slightly, and for a moment, I thought of a cat again. Pretty soon he’d start to purr in delight.

"You're not mad at me. Are you?"John spoke quietly while he turned over in the bed, and I quickly began to kiss him earnestly.Which led to other things, and that's why John was dozing again.And, damn it to hell he was still taking up three-quarters of the bed!Time to play hard ball, Mr. Matheson!

"John." I whispered softly in his ear while I proceeded to straddle him. I was lying on top of his trim body, and I could that he was trying not to smile.Oh, this was going to be fun, I thought, as Matheson thought this was another “military seizure.•John was just so strict about the fact that he would keep his shielding up except for when we were actually making love that he'd probably didn't realize I was up to something else.Nuzzling his back, I slowly made my way up to his right ear, focusing on the taste of his skin. Nibbling at his earlobe, I was just about in range to put my plan into motion.

I put on my best Captain Matthew Gideon. EF Excalibur, The Last, Best Hope for Humanity's Salvation voice. Practicing it daily during our quest, I had it honed to a point where I could have grown senators cower in consternation whenever I used that voice. "As your CO, I have to inform you that IN SPITE of the fact that you're now sleeping with the CO, that still doesn't excuse you from the fact that you need to be in uniform, and on the bridge in eight minutes. OR ELSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE, MISTER MATHESON." I roared that at him, and John suddenly vaulted out of the bed."DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

I found myself on the floor of his quarters after John’s explosive exit from the bed.My rather flustered lover nearly tripped over me in his hurry to get the hell outta bed.For a moment, I was laughing, until I realized that I had landed firmly on my left wrist, and it was still sensitive after all the screws and plating had been removed.Rubbing my throbbing wrist carefully, I was still amused by the fact that John Matheson was trying to wear my T-shirt.

"SHIT!" He swore when he realized it wasn't his T-shirt. It landed on my head when he ripped it off his body and he threw it at me. "HERE!"

"Lt. Matheson. Such language!" I said to him in mock horror, while disengaging myself from my T-shirt.Wrapping the blankets around me, I decided to put on my T-shirt, while I watched him getting dressed.John was younger than I was, and sad to admit, in a little bit better shape.Lean, muscular and obviously pretty limber if he could put on his jumpsuit while looking for his boots. Hmm… it’s amazing how that black jumpsuit hid his rather muscular build from prying eyes like my own.At least the gray suits had shown… everything and I do mean everything.

Lucky for John, he was the young stud in the relationship, while I was the brain. All I had to do was yell “Up!• at him, and he was ready for another round while I’d be down for the count. So, during those ‘slow’ times, I teased John about how since I was older that I needed a little more stimulation to get me primed.I concentrated on teasing his body while I would be telling him that he needed to learn patience while I recuperated.

Heh.Tracing my fingers over his body, I had delighted in slowly teasing his responsive spots while John had tried so hard to be patient.Assuring him that it would just take a few more minutes and a few more caresses, and I’d be ready for more fun, John believed me.I sucked one of his nipples then the other, while my hand gently stroked his obvious erection, enjoying the fact that John was almost writhing underneath me. Running my hand over his balls had him fidgeting like a mad man.

Bringing him almost to the brink, and then sadly announcing that I wasn’t quite ready yet, I’d cool him down, and repeat the process over and over again. Poor John, it took him a while to realize that I wasn’t trying to cool him down but that I was actually trying to excite him further. He was rather annoyed with me when he found out that I was as primed as he was, and that I had been teasing him.So, I had to make it up to him in a rather speculator fashion which appeared to have appeased him. But just to make sure, I repeated my penance a few times.

Enough of my reminiscing back to the present. John was looking rather rattled, as he couldn’t find one of his boots, and I wondered if he was going to run to the bridge in his bare feet if he couldn’t find it. I really shouldn’t torment John after last night, so I decided to throw his other boot at him. "Here!"

"Are you just going to gawk? Aren't you going to get dressed?" He was jumping around on foot, trying to stamp his one foot into a boot while trying to put his other foot in a sock.

Good Lord! How did John manage to bend his body quite THAT way? Maybe Kritika Makam did teach him yoga, like John claimed she did.I had teased him unmercifully after John had admitted that to me one day, wittily suggesting that perhaps the Old Dragon Lady actually been working up to demonstrating the Kama Sutra. John had turned a startling shade of crimson at that jest.John was rather embarrassed by that comment, and I realized that maybe, John did have a slight crush on the old Lady!

I made a mental note that when I next saw Kritika that I’d keep an eye on her. I wasn’t jealous… but I could understand where an experienced older woman like her could easily enjoy teaching John a few things.

Hands off, Makam. He’s MINE!

The next day after John had admitted that the Dragon had taught him yoga, I had given John an evaluation, claiming that I owed him one from last year.My XO had believed that it was an overdue performance appraisal as I was notorious for forgetting about those damn things. In the section for suggested improvements, I had commented that John Matheson had the rather startling tendency to fall in love with his COs and that he needed to work on that problem.‘Mr. Matheson has to realize that he’s my XO and MY XO only. Lt. Comdr. Matheson must concentrate on the fact that his body, heart and soul are mine and mine alone. While Makam was probably willing to teach him quite a few things, and a few military positions, I feel the need to remind Matheson that I am his CO.• I think that was the exact wording of the evaluation.“John needs to understand that certain outside assignments will occur only under my direct tutorage and certain positions will happen only while I’m in control• was the other loaded sentence I had inserted under the “sections for improvement.•

John had looked stunned when he read that, and then I gruffly ordered him to sign it.

“Come on, John. Don’t you want your three-percent raise? Sign it!• Trying not to laugh, I managed to push the pad in front of him again. “John. Sign it.•

Poor John, far too moral and upright to be involved with a trickster like myself, so I laughed again at the remembered look of horror on his face. He had been almost convinced that I was going to send that off to HQ because of my poker face.

John was still jumping around, trying to get dressed, so I quickly flashed back to the present.

“Matthew? Aren’t you getting dressed? The Captain can’t show up naked on the bridge!•

"Got second shift today, meaning I can sleep in, unlike some people I know." I teased him unmercifully with that bit of news."Good thing too, as I'm too old to actually have to go directly to work after you seducing me all night."

What he said doesn't bear repeating, but it just proved to me that John Matheson isn't quite the innocent people think he is. Tut tut tut!He nearly tripped over the coffee table in his haste to get to work, and I just had to tease him some more.

“John…• I carefully phrased that single word in a way that implied that I was in dire need of some TLC.Quivering my lip, I sniffled slightly.


I knew he’d drop everything when he heard that particular tone in my voice. Ah ha! John was obviously torn between being late to work, and comforting me. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure which way he would go, so I then turned away from him, as though I was ashamed of what I was going to say.Hearing him walk up to me, I scrunched my shoulders up as though I was in the midst of having a personal crisis.Trust me, after all the personal crisis I had been through in the last year, I can fake them pretty damn well.

“Matt… what’s the matter? Come on… talk to me.You know you can.•

HOOK, LINE AND SINKER, MATT! Time to reel him in. The earnestness and sincerity in his voice almost made me regret what I was planning on doing. But not quite, as I was tired of angst and pain, instead… I was feeling… whimsical.

In my softest voice, I asked him, “Don’t I at least get a morning after kiss? I mean, my reputation’s going to be in shatters now. First I spend all night in my XO’s bed, where he takes advantage of my naïveté repeatedly. Then the next morning, zip! He’s off to work with out so much as a good morning kiss. I feel… rather… tawdry and cheap.•

I looked at him, and gave him a sad smile, complete with puppy dog eyes. Then John gave me a look that plainly said that I was skirting the edge. Then he narrowed his eyes as I gave him one of my best Matthew Gideon smiles of complete innocence.‘Who me, General? I don’t know why your naked wife is hiding in my shuttle.’

“No kiss, as you turned my alarm off so I’d be late to work! Don’t even try to deny it!•

He ran out of his quarters, while I laughed softly at him. Poor John, he hadn't been late to bridge once in all the years I've known him. Obviously, I was a bad influence. Having compassion on John, I changed his sheets for him, and then I crawled back into his bed.I made a mental bet that somehow John would clock in a few minutes before his shift began as he was running at almost sub-warp speed when he exited his quarters. Sure, normally it was a fifteen-minute casual stroll to the bridge from where John lived, but I had faith in him.Laughing, I finally was able to fall asleep in John’s bed.

My final thought before I fell asleep was that I felt FINE for the first time in months!

Two minutes early. I was inordinately proud of John when I saw that he had managed to get to work on time.

Wait a minute. John’s a computer hacker, sorry, Computer Information Specialist. You don’t think he hacked the main computer just so I’d think he was on time for work? It was something I would have done, so I laughed.

If John DID hack some electrons, I glad he did so.I'd hate to have to yell at him for being late to work after last night. Last night... last night...all of Sheila’s little dress rehearsals had led to a full-fledged undressed rehearsal.John and I originally had spent time just touching each other, and enjoying hearing/sensing our partner's response. It was the most intensive session of love making that I had been involved with, for last night was the first night since my capture that I had felt emotionally secure enough to actually have sex.Emotionally, I had felt like I was being given the chance to finally make things right with John.Everything would be done with his enjoyment as my goal, as I wanted to show him how deeply I cared.

There were a few awkward moments on my end, in which John had tried to touch me, and I hadn’t been comfortable, as John had startled me with his initiative.My younger lover had been feeling playful, so he had rolled me on my back, then mounted me, pinning my hands down while he gently kissed me. That had frightened the hell out of me, the feeling of not being in control with someone on top of me, and John had sensed my unease immediately. Quickly, he had rolled off of me, and I could feel John was upset with himself for having startled me. But those moments were few and far between, fortunately, and we had worked through those few tense moments, together.We had talked it over, and then very slowly tried it out with the mutual understanding that I could stop it at any time.

I didn’t stop it, as I could feel that John was enjoying what we were doing together.This time, it was for him and him alone.Planning last night out in advance, I had been rather surprised that Sheila Masterson had been right. When the moment came, I wouldn’t be thinking about the hell I had endured, instead, I would be focusing on the here and now. Ok, since I’m trying to keep this clean, we’ll pretend that I was just interested in the here and now, rather than having John Matheson wildly call out my name.

Making love to a Telepath was certainly all it was cracked up to be as I felt everything he was.Fortunately, I had felt my partner’s uncertainty and I was able to quickly assure him. John had been so nervous about the little things because he was worried about the fact that I’d find his inexperienced fumblings a turnoff. It was amazing to me that John was as nervous as I was, so I worked on making him relax and enjoy. After our “first• delightful time together, I had been relaxing in the afterglow, and my young lover had been so troubled about how to act. John had wondered about where he should put his hands or should he cuddle up next to me, did I want to talk or should he let me nap?My poor XO was just so nervous, and so I had been delighted in finally being able to console him for once.

For all those long months, I had leaned on him, using him to steady me, and now, I could finally return the favor.

“John, you can do anything you want to right now, except for making a public announcement ship-wide that you and I just made love. Oh, and I’ll be really annoyed if you decided to leave right now, as I’ve planned the entire evening out in detail. I’d be irked enough to have you scrubbing out the bullet tubes for the remainder of this quest of ours.• Teasing him, I was delighted when Matheson had grinned at me. I could tell that John Matheson was not just happy, but possibly he was even euphoric.

“John…You’re still sharing your emotions with me, aren’t you?• Whispering that to him, I stroked his face.

Nodding his head, John then shut the link down between us. “I really wanted to let you know… and share it with you.•

For the first few sessions, I had been the lead partner, allowing John to get comfortable with what we were doing. Deeply concerned that this experience be enjoyable for him, I had concentrated completely on his pleasure. To hell with my own gratification, tonight was for John. This time, there wouldn’t be a wild rut, instead there would be innumerable long, unhurried caresses, many lingering kisses, and a deliberately, leisurely seduction of my partner. Feeling/sensing his stunned astonishment at what he was experiencing led me to try even harder to increase his enjoyment.There would be no repeat of what happened our first time tonight, not if I had anything to say about it. No pain, no grief, nor self-recriminations or any type of miscommunications allowed, instead this time, everything was going to be perfect.

And it was. Repeatedly.John was a rather vocal lover this time, so I delighted in hearing his mental and physical responses.Intentionally, I had postponed his orgasm, focusing instead on taunting him, while I felt his body shake and tremble.Finally, he had mentally begged me to stop teasing him, and so I had.Cooling him down carefully, I then quickly brought him to his pinnacle.I shared mentally in his climax, and I relished in his dazed amazement in the afterglow.Aliens could have invaded the Excalibur again, for the third time this week, and John Matheson, stalwart and resolute Executive Officer would have been too bewildered to find his boots. And it was all due to me! Damn it! I was just so proud of myself and tempted to put it on the ship wide announcements.

“That’s how it should have been the first time.•I sent him that thought to him mentally, as hard as I could, while John snuggled up to me after deciding that it was ok to do so. For a brief moment, I had wondered if I was going to have to order him to stay in bed with me, even after assuring him that he could anything he wanted, but then John had decided to stay. This was heaven, having my napping XO resting his head on my chest, while I gently stroked his hair.

John was a fast learner, and rather appreciative of all my hard efforts, so he had asked me if it was all right if he was the leader for our next go-around.Actually, he had just shyly smiled at me, and I had realized exactly what he desired.

“You know what I want.• John then sent me an image of the two of us lying entwined with John inside of me. “I want to share that with you.•

I had felt butterflies, ok. A Narn heavy cruiser in my gut, but I had agreed softly.For no one else would I have felt comfortable with what he was suggesting. [John. I trust you completely.] I sent that to him as hard as I could, and he grinned slightly.

"You don't need to yell.I can hear your thoughts when you whisper."

I'll be careful with you. I promise. If you feel the slightest bit uneasy, I'll stop.His mind voice carefully soothed me, and I lay back to let him do whatever he wanted to me. His lips gently touched my face, and he carefully covered my face with kisses, as though he was ridding me of the taint of my ordeal.

If he wanted to hurt me physically, I would have let him, and taken it as my due without a word of complaint.He had been my rescuer during my trip through hell and back, and I trusted him utterly. If John wanted to destroy me, he could do so, quickly and easily, as I had no defense against him. I had rebuilt my walls of my inner fortress securely, but I had given John a key to my soul’s citadel.John knew my weaknesses intimately, and he could exploit them to hurt me if he wanted. That pessimistic thought apparently bubbled up from somewhere deep in my soul, as John suddenly looked at me intently, his dark eyes peering into my soul.

No. No. NO! No pain tonight for you, Matthew.

Thank you.For a moment, I was overwhelmed with emotion, and so I had to look away from him, so I could compose myself.Sheila warned me that I shouldn't lean so heavily on John for my own sense of self, but I still did as John balanced the darkness in my soul.His inexperience negated my experience. God, I was so ...EXPERIENCED that for a moment I devotedly wished that I could encounter this adventure like John was.He was just so exuberant, nervous and earnest about what we were trying.God, my innocent Telepath was just so intent about making tonight an enjoyable encounter for… me.

After all I had done to him, John was worried about me, and that thought sobered me quickly. Be careful with your ‘path, Matt, I thought.Don’t get complacent or cocky, as you’ll hurt him again.

And I was terrified, in spite of all of Sheila's advice and suggestions. It wasn’t because I was afraid that I’d be hurt, but that John would be somehow wounded again by my carelessness. But John just continued to kiss me slowly while I learned to relax and trust again.

So I slept the pleasant sleep of the sexually sated and physically exhausted in his bed, until I woke up, realizing that I really had to leave his quarters. My job as a spaceship Captain was calling me, and I had a load of paperwork on my desk that needed to get done, yesterday. While I would have loved to stay in his bed until he returned, so we could try and repeat last night, my inner voice was telling me to get the Hell out of bed.

Sometimes I’m just so noble that it’s almost frightening.

Unfortunately for me, it doesn’t happen that often.

Carefully, I left his quarters, grateful that nobody saw me leaving.We really needed to think of some way of ensuring that this relationship remained incognito for as long as possible.

That was a thought for another day, as I was happy.Grinning like a fool, I think my cheerfulness surprised a few people. What was the problem? Would you have preferred if I limped around the ship, growling and swearing like a madman? Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt, and I didn’t want to go back.

I was fortunate in getting on the bullet car before it left the stop, and I ended up sitting next to Eilerson. I nodded in acknowledgement of his presence, and I tried to ignore him. Closing my eyes for a moment, leaning back in my seat, I was trying to subconsciously say, "Don't talk to me. I'm thinking" when suddenly I caught a whiff of his cologne.

My bubble of elation suddenly popped, and I realized that I felt like I was about to start trembling.NO! Stop it! Focus on what’s causing you to get like this. Think rationally. What’s the problem here? It started when you sat down next to Eilerson.


Ever since my return to the Excalibur, my relationship with Eilerson had been strained. Perhaps, it would be closer to the truth to say that our relationship had disintegrated to a point beyond repair. He made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t exactly sure why.Max was brilliant, erratic as hell, but usually an asset to our quest.Ever since my return to the Excalibur, I had been nervous around him.It had started out as an uneasy feeling whenever he stood too close to me, especially in a trapped space like the elevator, then it had progressed to a feeling of dread whenever I saw him.I had ignored it, thinking that too shall pass.

It hadn’t passed, instead it had festered into something more. Now, I really disliked Eilerson, while that small inner voice suggested that maybe I feared him, too.Suddenly, I had a flash of insight into my unease. He liked exotic erotica, and I couldn't help but remember that damn Data Crystal of his that I had viewed.Snow White and the Seven Narns had been a situation where Snow White, a female Terran, had been restrained and sexually enticed by the Seven Narns. After starring in the EF Captain and the Five Bitches data crystal, limited release, direct to video, had that dark thought been percolating in the back of my mind?

It probably had been there, affecting me, while I had ignored it, trying to concentrate on issues I had deemed more important. For example, my sanity, finding a Cure and my budding relationship with my XO.Subconsciously, the thought had been there, and it had affected me, as my stomach was in knots whenever the two of us had talked. Lately, I was being abrupt with him, perhaps, even downright rude.I’d belittle his ideas whenever he suggested anything, or I’d mock them.Instead of arguing with me like the old Manic Maximilian would, he’d ignore my little comments and so I’d tried harder to score on him. And still he IGNORED my pointed digs, which got me more nervous

I’d score again on him, and he wouldn’t acknowledge it. No sighs, no groans, no pissing and no moaning about being the only rational person on the ship.Eilerson simply wasn’t acting like Eilerson, which had made me even more nervous around him. In anyone else, I’d think that he was being compassionate, and ignoring my digs.But Eilerson doesn’t have a heart, just a wallet, so he was probably just lulling me into a false sense of complacency. Come on, Eilerson. I know you’re waiting to rip into me about something, so go ahead, and do it. Get it over with already, damn it. What the hell are you waiting for?

He didn’t, so I was waiting for him to nail me on something else. To a circle, he’d nail my hands and feet, and then he’d place the crown of thorns on my head….Oh God. No. NO. NO. Eilerson is not the type of person to physically crucify someone, MATTHEW. Don’t even think it.

Verbally skewer! YES! Verbally, as physical confrontations were not his style.His gift was with his tongue, so Max would use that rather than his fists. Besides, if he broke his hand on my hard head, he couldn’t work. IPX not only didn’t offer paid vacations, they also didn’t offer much in the way of sick time.

Even Starship Captains got more. Especially if they were attacked…and raped…Enough, don’t think of that, focus on what’s going on between you two right NOW.

After a few months of this “nice• twin Eilerson, I had gotten even more on edge. His ideas, I began ignoring as completely as I thoroughly discounted the man behind the comments. Seeing him today, I had finally remembered his data crystal full of porn that I had viewed and I was surprised how uncomfortable that thought was to me. Originally, I had laughed it off, but now I finally realized that subconsciously I was viewing Max in the terms of that crystal since I had returned. He was a lecher, pure and simple and he made my skin crawl as though I hadn’t bathed in months.

Hey! Sheila! This old dog learned something from all our months together. I figured out what my problem with Max was!Wait… I think there’s something else I’m missing, so I’m going to keep exploring on this avenue for a bit.

Now, for a wonder, Eilerson had pretended not to notice that I was dismissing his ideas exclusively, and instead, he'd watch me, his blue eyes unreadable.The older man was now being rather sly about dealing with my obvious barricade against his ideas, as the most blatantly Maximilian's ideas were now coming from other members of my senior staff.

Max had been rather subdued with me, missing several opportunities to score on me.I had thought my linguist merely under the weather, when suddenly I mentally plotted a graph.His rate of caustic comments to the other staff members was remaining constant, but he never turned his silver edged tongue against me.Even when I had managed to stress fracture my two legs, the man from IPX, had merely nodded his head, and had carried me piggyback to the shuttle.I had been raging at him, cursing at the older man for jarring me, and my “ride• had merely ignored me. Max hadn't even threatened to drop me once, nor had he even made a caustic comment. "I'm a Xeno-Archeologist, Captain, not a Goddamn pack mule for stupid Starship Captains."

Max wasn't stupid, and he hadn't been that surprised when I had my conference with the senior staff about what had happened to me on that damn escapade of mine.Dureena and Galen had been somewhat startled by my rather graphic comments on what exactly had occurred down there, but not Eilerson. Instead, the Linguist extraordinaire, future Noble prizewinner had nodded his head slightly, as though he wasn't surprised at all.

Think, Matt, concentrate on Max's look of almost complete non-surprise. It's important. Eilerson looked like he was only startled because I had mentioned it, not because of WHAT I was sharing with them.He knew, and… with anybody else, I’d say they were treating me with kid gloves.Why, though Eilerson?It wasn’t because of my physical injuries… I’m sure, but instead he had decided that my emotional wounds were much deeper than what I was admitting.


How would he know?

John hadn't said anything, nor would Sarah.I don't think Kritika Makam would have casually mentioned it to my favorite cracked Linguist.So what was it then?

What do I remember about them finding me?Max hadn’t been there from the reports, which made me wonder how he knew so damn much. Had someone said something? I didn't remember too much of my physical exam after my ordeal, but I remembered bits and pieces of it.

Focusing intently, slowing my breathing down, I began putting the puzzle together.


It was rough, as Makam’s doctor, Zbignewski had drugged me during the flight back to the Excalibur, and I had been floating in a pain-free fog.Whatever he gave me had knocked the edge of my fear off, and I had been content to close my eyes, and to hear John Matheson in my mind.

I’m here, and I’m not leaving you, ever.

John had been talking to me physically and mentally during the trip back while Sarah and Vladi had been busy stabilizing me. There had been the two other people involved with my care…Field medics. That’s what they were, and they were officers from the Dya. What were their names?

Come on. Think about it.

Saint… something or other.St. George? No, he allegedly slew the dragon and Makam was still alive, so that meant it wasn’t St. George.John! That’s it! St. John, and the guy with the blankets. O’Neill. They had taken care of me prior to my arrival. Would they have told Max?

I was getting nervous, so I tried to focus on what had calmed me during my nightmare, John’s voice, inside my mind, talking to me.

You’re home. Matt, you’re on the Excalibur, and you’re going directly to Medbay. The corridors have been vacated, and no one will see you like this.

I had enough awareness to realize that I should be concerned about this, but I had been too adrift to consciously care.Kritika Makam had met the rescue team on my arrival onboard, I realized now, as there had been a rather intense discussion going on between two very angry women.Later on, I would find out that it had been Sarah and Makam who had a friendly discussion that nearly split the ship apart.Concentrating on the conversation took more energy that I had then, so I had ignored it but it was obvious the two of them were rather angry. I had a brief moment of unease when I wondered if the women angry with me, and I was afraid that they’d hurt me physically. They were just so furious, and when the others had been angry… they had taken it out on me. Burning me, hurting me… raping me.

Oh God, not again. Please, they had hurt me so bad, I couldn’t go through that again.

No.They’re not upset with you and they’d never hurt you intentionally. Both are upset because of what happened to you, and they’re disagreeing over how to handle the case.

Oh. That’s good to know. Was worried about it, John.Thought they might… hurt me.

I had floated for a bit, grateful that I couldn’t feel anything, when I realized that John hadn’t spoken to me in a few minutes. Suddenly, I felt rather nervous. He…was still there… wasn’t he?I wasn’t alone again, was I? I was not alone with those two furious women?

John? John? JOHN? Still there? You haven’t left me?

I was panicking in terror at the thought that John had left me with those angry females. If they were irate enough, they’d take it out on me, and I was too drugged to protest. No. Not again. NEVER again. Damn it, man!Stop quivering in fear, act like the Starship Captain you supposedly are. Do you think Sheridan ever acted like this? Mewing like an injured kitty?Scared of the dark? I think not.

JOHN? YOU STILL THERE?Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, and don’t leave with THEM. Please, please, please? I’m begging here. WHERE ARE YOU, JOHN? DON’T LEAVE ME!!


It was still embarrassing how relieved I had been when I had heard his calm voice reassuring me and I tried not to weep in relief.Starship Captains never cry, after all, especially in front of their crew.They only cried in the privacy of their ready rooms with the doors securely locked.

SHE needs to speak with you. Don’t be afraid, Matt. It will distress her greatly, if SHE knows that you’re apprehensive of her. SHE’s gruff, but has a caring soul.

Odd the way John mentally stressed the term SHE.Then when SHE began talking to me, I understood why he stressed it. SHE was intimidating. SHE breathed fire. SHE made me want to piss in my pants in total fear of incurring HER anger. SHE wouldn’t be happy merely crucifying me, SHE’D serve my balls for an appetizer.

“Matthew. You’re going to Medbay.Mike will be there. You’re not alone.• A female voice spoke that slowly and distinctly to me, and then she suddenly snapped. “What the fucking hell did you give him, Vladi? I need a statement, damn it. The courts will never accept anything he says if Matt’s drugged to the gills.•

Oh? Was that why I felt… disembodied?A bodiless soul just floating around in a fog?I felt a sudden surge of relief. [HE’s mad at HIM, right? NOT ME?

Yes. She’s annoyed with Vlad, but don’t worry about that. The two of them will handle it.

It’s rather…delightful, John, no pain. Been in pain for so long now. BUT JOHN! SHE scares me. Don’t leave me alone with HER. SHE’S REALLY ANGRY AT ME, ISN’T SHE? Don’t lie, please. Don’t want to get hurt again but don’t lie to me. SHE’S furious at me. Don’t think this fog will help me one DAMN bit if SHE gets mad at me. Drugged. CAN’T ESCAPE HER! GOD NO. NO!

Shhh… SHE’S not mad at you. Your injuries have really upset HER.

“Madam. I’ve started neutralizing what I gave him. He’ll be coherent enough in a few minutes to talk to you as the drugs are reversed, but I thought it might be a compassionate gesture to give him pain relief.•

I wanted to verbally assure the male voice that I had appreciated the gesture, despite the fact that that annoyed female voice didn’t understand how wonderful it was to be pain-free for a bit.The voice had spoken my name, so SHE knew me apparently but… I just couldn’t figure out who the fearsome terror-inducing female was?For some reason, I had a flash of a dark dancing figure with multiple arms and heads when SHE had spoken, but it had fled quickly.Debating about concentrating on that picture, I had decided not to bother. It had been a rather frightening visage, with a skull necklace and blood everywhere, and John had told me specifically not to be afraid of the voice, so I wouldn’t be. I trusted John, and whom he trusted, I would try to trust.Still, SHE made me nervous.

John wouldn’t let anyone hurt me while he was around.I knew that, so SHE wouldn’t hurt me.

That problem solved, I had been just content to float along in this delightful fog, as though I had finally arrived at the Elysium fields.

But that paradise was for the virtuous dead, of which I am neither.Perhaps, I was there to drink from the river of Lethe, and I would be returned back to my body, sans the memory of what had just happened to me.


Flashback: Decom Room

I was in the decom room, and someone was in there with me.The agony was returning, and I was becoming aware of my surroundings.Agony was shooting through my body, with each firing of every damnable synapse in my body.

Hey Lady! Trust me, I’d rather be drugged to the gills right now, ok? I didn’t realize that I had that many body parts until everyone of them decided to hurt!

There was a man in the room with me, who was repeating something softly. It took me a while to concentrate on what he was saying, but I realized that he was repeating something over and over again to me, as though soothing a feverish child.

“I’m Lt. Michael St. John, XO of the EF cruiser Dyavaphrtivi, and you are on the EF Excalibur.•

There was some sort of argument going on, but it was on the edge of my awareness. Two women and a few men were disagreeing about something and the man with me… MICHAEL? suddenly laughed gently. “Ah, someone else is learning the foolishness of arguing with the dark goddess Kali-Captain.•

“W-w-what?•It took all my energy to speak that word.

“Shhh… Captain, forget I said anything. Just the ramblings of an old man.•

With the removal of the pain meds from my system, I was conscious of the world around me again. Everything hurt, and I wished that I could be drugged again.

“Matthew, dear. I’m here. You remember me? Don’t you?•It was a short female with a short crew cut who spoke softly, with an accent. Her voice was soothing and comforting, and I felt no fear of her even though I knew it was HER. I should have been afraid of HER as she was one of the angry females, but John had mentioned that… a female captain… had overseen my rescue… while taking care of my crew for me.She must be the one that was ‘crew-sitting’ my ship. Trust her, John had told me, and so I would try to do so.It was difficult, as I didn’t know her name. What was her name again? Her dark brown eyes were contradictions, full of pain, fury, love and mercy. She wouldn’t hurt me, I could tell, instead she would shield and protect me while destroying those that had done this.

Think, Matt. THINK. What the hell is her NAME?

Her name was on the tip of my tongue, as suddenly I knew her. “Makam?• I whispered.

“Yes, dear. I’ve had a long discussion with the medical staff. They want you in the OR immediately, but I want to do an exam to collect evidence.It’s your choice, Matt.We can probably maintain the chain of evidence if we take you into the OR, but… it would be better if we do it now.• Closing my eyes, I listened as she continued speaking with me gently, as though to a child.“I swear to you, that I’ll get these people if it’s the last thing I ever do.•

Makam had worn civilian clothes, a colorful native sari, rather than her official uniform, as she probably thought that the EF uniform would be intimidating to me. That the sight of another captain in full uniform would be reminder that I felt like I had failed my uniform. Bullshit, she had told me softly, later on during my rehabilitation. I hadn't dishonored the uniform, nor should I ever feel that way. Most importantly, Makam told me was that I should never let anyone convince me that I had.

Stroking my head softly, Makam continued to talk to me. “Matt, I’m recording this.I need to know… what happened? Who did this to you?•

I had opened my eyes to look at her, hoping that I wouldn’t see what I feared in her eyes.Please, let there be no recriminations or accusations in her eyes. I had directed enough of those emotions toward me during my imprisonment, and I dreaded what EF would say about this incident. Rumors would spring up, despite my best efforts to keep this quiet. After all I was an EF starship captain, and this shouldn’t be happening.Kritika’s eyes were as deep as space and I saw that there was no blame in her eyes. Halting, I told her that the people that had done this to me were a group of doomsday cultists, especially a pack of barely post-adolescent women and she had nodded her head in understanding.

“The women… what did they do? Matthew, you know I can’t put words in your mouth, especially if this goes to court. What did those women do to you?• Kritika slid her fingers carefully on my fingers as though she was assuring me that she didn’t view me as tainted. Our fingertips touched, and I suddenly realized that she couldn’t hold either one of my hands as they both were shattered.

“They… Molested me... Abused me… Hurt me. Badly. Took turns.•So ashamed, I was humiliated that a mighty starship Captain, such as myself, had been… raped… by that pack of wolverines. “Over and over again.•

“Matthew, exam or the OR? We can drug you again, so you’re pain-free. I’ve got people I can trust for this part. Shall we do it now or later?•


"As the ranking senior officer in this quadrant, I need to be present for this. I've had too much experience with this type of exam, while I don't think John's done one yet.Can you handle me being present? I'd rather do it than John. You two are friendly."Kritika questioned me.

I was grateful she didn't say 'were friendly.'

"And he might pick up things in spite of his best efforts.•

I had agreed with that, as I couldn't bear to think of John overseeing the exam. He would have picked up my shame, pain and despair and I didn't want him to 'experience' that. “No… John… No.•

“We’ll give you something so you’re somewhat aware of what’s going on, so you can answer any questions, but you’ll be completely pain-free. From what I know of this stuff, you shouldn’t remember the exam later on."

I had been granted a sip of the waters of Lethe, and for the most part, she was right. I didn’t remember everything, just bits and pieces. Captain... no. ADMIRAL Makam had been there, and a few other people. Three, I believe and for some reason I think they were all men that were there in the exam room. They had to move me a few times during their exam while they took pictures and videotaped my body.My body had been moved confidently and quickly which had meant that there was a great deal of upper body strength involved.

While there might have been a woman on the team besides Makam, I doubted it, as Makam had done everything she could to keep me calm and relaxed during the exam.Definitely men.One had a deep, rumbling voice, a sort of basso profundo meaning that its owner was Dr. Zbignewski, who had a voice that reverberated in the sub-basement level.The other voice sounded Irish when he had whispered to me, `Steady, Laddie. Steady. Almost done." That probably was the blanket guy, O'Neill, and his crooked nose.He had tried his hardest to soothe me with a few carefully chosen words, when I was panicking and shaking during the exam.

The third voice had spoken rarely, and usually in something that sounded like Sanskrit, as Makam would answer him in the same tongue.


It had been a tenor.

Foolish me, I had thought it was another one of her crewmembers, and I had never thought to ask exactly WHO had taken the pictures and made the evidence collection recording. Maybe it had been someone from the Excalibur crew, and that’s how Max had found out what had happened to me.I still didn’t think it was common knowledge on the Excalibur that I was a sexual assault victim.

Kritika said she trusted him to be discrete, and I had been content with that promise, as I hadn’t gotten my courage up to see the pictures or the tape. Sheila had originally told me not to press the issue until I felt ready to look at them.That would be in the year 5010, I vowed.

I had tried to repress that entire physical exam, as it had been humiliating to lie there, and have those four people examine and comment on my naked body. Actually the deep voice and Makam's had done all the talking, with a rare comment from the other two men involved that was usually directed toward the other team members. O’Neill had spoken to me throughout the exam, quietly giving me words of encouragement when he saw that my resolve was close to the breaking point. Sheila had questioned me several times to see if I had remembered anything about my exam, and I had managed to convince her that due to the affects of the sedatives that I didn't remember anything.

I had been lying, slightly, as I just remembered a lot of embarrassment and pain combined with four people, three of which had been wearing scrubs, protective eyewear and facemasks. Makam had gone as far as having the men wear caps to cover their hair, while Makam changed into scrubs.Makam. Zbignewski. O'Neill and there had been the fourth person who I did not know. Speaking only to Makam in Sanskrit, Makam had to translate his instructions to the two other men regarding the positioning of my body. Suddenly, I remembered that he had worn cologne.

They had just rolled me over on my side to check to see if… I had been violated… there… and the sudden movement had surprised and terrified me. Struggling to escape from my captors, I had thought I was back planet side, and only O’Neill’s quiet words had managed to convince me that I was on the Excalibur. Even then, my sudden rush of apprehension combined with the shame of having these strangers check me there, had found my last shred of dignity crushed.In spite of their best compassionate efforts not to embarrass me, I was humiliated and I had broken down and wept like a child. Let it end, oh dear God, let this horror end.

Exotic, and undeniably expensive, the remembered smell of it suddenly triggered a flashback. Someone's hand on my face, wiping my tears away while I had continue to weep like a frightened child during the middle of the exam.It couldn't have been the blanket guy, as the stuff smelled far too expensive for an EF NCO to ever think about wearing. The other man had worn a heavy ring on his finger and he had wiped my tears away with a handkerchief that smelled strongly of his cologne.

Concentrating on the smell of that cologne, I suddenly knew who the final third man was.


Oh my GOD!

I suddenly opened my eyes, and I turned to look at the man sitting next to me. Our eyes met, and suddenly, I had to look away. Put him in scrubs and make him wear the eyewear, cap and face mask.It could… be him. He could probably chat with Makam in Sanskrit… as he was a linguist. He wore a silver ring on his hand, I noticed. My heart was suddenly in my throat, and I needed to escape from him. QUICKLY.

"Missed my stop." I called that out loudly, making them stop the bullet car quickly. "Sorry!"

I got out of the bullet car, and I managed to make it to my quarters before I threw up.

Eilerson. Who liked PORN.

Had taken the pictures.

Set up the video-cam.

He had been there, had seen my naked body, and had heard me weep.

{PAGE 2}

{Characters} {Introduction} {1 None So Blind} {2 Kshatriya} {3 Bingo, the Invisible Fish, and Starship Captain} {4 Because Warlocks Can't FLY} {5 Prayaschitta} {6 Let the Captain Have Some Dignity} {7 Epiphany} {8 Biases} {9 Moksha} {10 The Three Graces}

Witches Familiars

{Mistress Sarah}

{The Main Gate} {HomePage} {Wytches World} {We are Family} {A Little Artistic Licence} {No, we don't mean "A"riadne} {Our Home Is Our Castle} {The Witches' Diary} {Witches Familiars} {The Gateway} {Webrings}